Sunday 09.03.2014 - Let me know what spring is like...

Another day of the most glorious spring weekend this year so far, and I can see it all from my window seat. One thing I will say; my view is amazing. I can see all of Wormwood Scrubs, and beyond to the Wembley Arch, lit up beautifully on game nights. I can almost see our house from here. I send a kiss that way every evening.
Rich and Kitten come to see me and we have lunch in the restaurant again. Kitten seems to have gotten completely used to seeing his Mum here, like it's the most normal and natural thing. I say goodbye to them outside the lifts and he says "Love you Mamma!" and "Bye bye, Mamma!" as the doors slide shut and I cry a little. The thought strike me as I go back to the ward, that with the weekend over and no visits from my Kitten the next day, in between the sadness and longing for my baby, there is also a small amount of relief. He has direct and instant access to the innermost part of my soul. Being with him makes me vulnerable. I don't think of him if I can help it. It makes me cry when I do.
I have a lot of feeling to catch up on, I need to be able to react to this... thing that has happened to me and my family, but there just isn't any room here. There is not enough space in me for the feeling of unfairness that has begun to stir, but after hearing and sharing everything from medical treatments to family dramas with the rest of the ward, I do not want to share this. I need to let this out and allow myself to be angry, but not here. So it's onwards with gritted teeth and manic grins and trying not to think of my baby.